Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Kids: Stop Having Them

A few days ago, I witnessed something strange on an airplane. Yeah, I don't even have a career yet, and I'm making an airplane observation. (I suppose I'm crashing before even taking off...

...yeah, fuck you too.)

Any who, the mother in front of me could not figure out how to buckle her seatbelt.

You might be wondering how I could possibly know this, or maybe you're one of those compassionate, if impatient souls who are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt in an effort to allow me to get to the god damn point. Either way, she was flanked by two children, and she asked out loud, "how do I get the seatbelt to work?"

The woman, nay, the mother, could not figure out how to put a thing inside of another thing that it was supposed to go inside of.

More frightening than the fact that someone so helpless is responsible for the lives of children is the fact that this very same person somehow figured out how to create children.

Is it not essentially the same process? Put the thing inside the thing?

I suppose making babies is, in practice, only slightly more complicated than buckling a seatbelt, but we're only naturally predisposed to the former process. Having kids is really easy, raising them is not.

If you're the type of parent who **regularly** complains about how hard it is to raise kids, your kids are an accident. Even if you fully intended on having them, they're a mistake. It is in the best interests of planet earth that you let your kids know this, lest they one day make the same mistake. Maybe instead of hitting them when they get on your nerves, try explaining to them what an awful idea they were. Don't make excuses. Spell it out, in no uncertain terms, that you ruined everything by spawning them.

I'm only being partially facetious, but even if you did pick up on that, you are now probably wondering why I'm even dragging the kids into it at all.

Well, someone had to buckle the kids' belts, and it sure as shit was not the kids themselves. Can I blame them if they grow up to be idiots like their mother? Can I blame the mother? I think I can, but I can also advocate for comprehensive sex education, contraception, and, if all else fails, abortion.

An unborn life is not precious. Life is not precious. Life is fragile. Stop conflating those two words. Life could be precious, but you definitively undermine the preciousness of life by allowing as much of it to exist as physically possible.

If you really want to fill a kid's head with good ideas, if you really want a little version of you, adopt a kid. If adopting a kid is too much work, then you're not fit to raise your own kid anyway. If an adopted child is not good enough, because it's not genetically yours, then I will take this moment to let you in on a secret that your parents were keen on keeping from you:

You're not special. You were an accident.

But more importantly...SO much more importantly, you have more in common with everyone else on earth than you do not have in common with them. Stop sweating the small stuff. There, do you feel proud and mighty again?


  1. i'm always that idiot who can never figure out the seat belt on a plane. don't worry though, i don't plan on having children!

    1. Hah! I suppose not all airplanes are created equal (especially the ones that tend to crash). I'm not entirely above struggling with safety harnesses. I've had my fair share of frustrations on a few roller coasters, as my beer belly occasionally complicates things. However, my intoxication is also a likely culprit, hence the beer belly.

  2. Was this before or after the flight attendants' safety demonstration? I feel like I'm the only one who watches that shit and reads the safety cards (teary-eyed and shaking). I'm already aware of how to use the seat belt/oxygen mask/flotation device but I do NOT want to be the jackass who forgets what to do in an emergency. But at least I don't have to worry about being that jackass with kids. Am I, childless, already a better mother than her?

    1. Of all the odd details I somehow remember, I am not sure if this was before or after the safety demonstration. I always pay attention, figuring with the amount of people who cannot seem to follow basic instructions (such as putting the damn tray table up), I will likely be the one guy who is of any help in the event of an emergency.

      But I will still fail miserably, and everyone will surely die.

      I think you're about as good of a mother as I am. You just look way better in lipstick. Mine gets all up in my beard and whatnot