Saturday, January 19, 2013

Fake Blog Post

Because Manti Te'o's girlfriend, the fake one, is playing as important a role as any nonexistent person can in today's society (yes, Jesus, that one was directed at you. At least have the decency to return my calls), I've decided that I should carry out a hoax against the American public. I'm not yet sure what I should do (or not do), but I figure this blog is a pretty safe place to divulge my plans (or plans for more plans).

I'm sure I'll figure that out eventually. In the meantime, everyone is weighing in on why they believe a Hawaiian Mormon, who plays football for a Catholic university that can't pronounce its own name, is lying. A lot of people think it's because he's gay. Closeted gay men associated with homophobic institutions do probably tend to dig themselves into some pretty deep holes. But nearly everyone has found themselves, at one point or another, stuck in a similar hole, even if its not necessarily a gay one.

My theory is based on an article about the hoax, as well as a few seconds of a video (on the same page) that ESPN felt would best allay my suspicions regarding the importance of the content contained within that article. ESPN was so certain that I needed to hear, watch, and read the story unfold, all at once, that the video began playing without my consent. To spite ESPN's uncomfortable advances, I paused that shit and continued to read. To spite the rest of the media, I ceased reading anything else regarding the incident, and decided to write a scummy blog post about it.

The real hoax may very well be that Manti Te'o has a lot of girlfriends. Whether or not these women are aware that they belong to a Mormon harem is more relevant than whether or not Te'o has ever met them in person. Perhaps, one of them found out about the others, or any number of the others, and decided to blackmail the standout linebacker. This, in turn, would make Notre Dame look very bad. After all, they managed to overlook Te'o's religion in favor of his athletic ability, and look at them compared to a school like BYU. Sure, the Cougers have a lot of pent up aggression from their sexual abstinence, but ultimately it is their abstinence from all other outside influences that distracts them from athletic achievement.

If nothing else, the harem would have to break up. In order to garner the sympathies of his accuser, as well as the American public, Te'o had to have one of his girlfriends killed. After many sleepless nights, he concluded that simply using the internet to create and kill a fake persona would be a lot easier than killing one of his other girlfriends, if only because he never knew where any of them actually lived.

So in order to protect the sanctity of pluralistic football at the University of Notre Dame, and to keep the Te'o harem quietly intact, Lennay Kekua was created. It was easy to sell such a story to his future wives/blackmailer, because his relationship with Kekua appeared just as genuine as his relationship with the rest of them. Killing her off was just as easy.

Everything was going smoothly, until some asshole with a last name that I don't even care to look up how to spell, slipped up.

I'm sure in the coming days we will see whether or not anything I said was true. In the meantime, you can poke all the holes in my theory that you'd like, but then it would appear as if you're actually taking this seriously.

No comments:

Post a Comment