Thursday, March 28, 2013

Cynicism is Dead

At first, I thought my anger towards the average Comedy Walk audience member was a result of their cynicism. Most people have a genuinely good time following me around the city, and I don't even have to touch them! But occasionally there are the few odd people who have to ruin it for everyone, themselves included.

It seems in today's society (which feels like code for "every society ever, but you only ever experience one of them anyway, you spoiled American crook") no one is ever convinced of the monetary value of anything. As a child (also as an adult), I had a catchphrase, appreciated mostly by my parents. "That was worth it," I'd say, after having spent no money of my own on ice cream, or an arcade game, or fixing the brakes on my car.

I appreciated a lot. Not enough, but a lot. Now, after having worked retail for a considerable amount of time, as well as the aforementioned Comedy Walk, I certainly have formed a relationship with my bank account. Unlike the images that fat women like to pretend society oppressively demands of the average female, I happen to prefer my bank account portly. No, I've gone too far. Society may have unrealistic expectations for all of us, but I have no such expectations for my bank account OR for women. Especially women (I'M A JOKESTER!).

I've now come to realize that I am the cynical one. So, obviously, being cynical can't possibly be bad, RIGHT?!

Well, now that would be a very confusing and contradictory position, would it not? It would be, unless you really love Ayn Rand. I feel indifferent towards Ayn Rand, selfish though her game may have been, for she is dead.

Full disclosure: I'm a baby. A wimp, if you will. I love the spotlight, the sound of my own voice, and I hate being wrong (though not as much as people who hate other groups of people hate being wrong, got that?). That being said, I like to think that my cynicism is doled out in proportion to what is necessary.

Meanwhile, some stone-cold creepy woman hears a penis joke (Anything but that. That's lowbrow, I'm not lowbrow. Remove this jester at once!), and glares at me in bitter silence for forty-five minutes. Most people think they're better than they really are, so if they hear a joke that offends their arbitrarily selected sensibilities, the "fun" part of their personality self-destructs. REAL stand-up comedians all seem to agree that this is the big difference between doing comedy in the US and the UK, respectively. Americans will immediately recoil at anything that crosses their line, whereas the rest of the English-speaking world seems more inclined to hear you out.

The prevailing attitude of the sourpuss seems to be: "I heard a joke that offended me/wasn't funny to me, so this was not worth $15. I'm now going to be hypercritical of every little detail in order to further validate my idea that this was not worth $15."

The sourpusses are only a minority group of any given audience. But, you must remember, I'm a baby, so I take it personally. Every other member of the audience has paid the aforementioned $15, so they sometimes take it personally as well. Occasionally, the sourpusses seem intent on making sure that NO ONE gets any value out of their money. "I don't like it, so you shouldn't either." Seriously, people stifle their laughter so as to avoid upsetting the other people that they perceive as being bothered. It really, really sucks when that happens.

My grand observation, from this cross I bear intentionally upon my baby back, is that our society is indeed cynical, but also that our cynicism is often misguided or misplaced. Yes, I'm getting paid with your money for a thing you suddenly realized isn't perfect. Nobody's perfect, but more accurately, we're always doing something wrong. Perhaps, in my endeavor to make you laugh via dick jokes, self-deprecation, and observations regarding the irony and absurdity that is inherently our lot as human beings, I've offended you. Perhaps, you're taking yourself too seriously. Perhaps, through my efforts to make any sense of your sensibilities, I'm taking myself too seriously.

Can we please just take our dicks and our hearts out of our wallets? It looks really silly. It's probably not worth it.


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