Sunday, April 28, 2013


I feel that, lately, I've been walking the ever-narrowing line between goofy and crazy.

My work hours compel to eat lunch a lot later than I've become used to, so maybe that is the sole contributor to my madness. Or maybe not.

I'm always trying to find time to read/write/do what I'm in GRAD SCHOOL to do, but other obligations/distractions continue to feast away at my focus. My girlfriend is now living with me (Flagler needs those dorms empty at the termination of the semester ASAP, so they can sit empty for months and get cleaned at the last know, the BEST kind of clean...C-C-Cocaine!), and our living quarters are a bit cramped.

Oh, and we now have a cat. His name is Former President Andrew Jackson. Of course, I named him. What kind of question is that?

DOUBLE OH, Tiffany is not only done at Flagler, she has GRADUATED. On top of that, she's been accepted to every graduate program she's applied to. I happen to think that's pretty awesome, and I'm proud of her. She'll be pursuing her MFA at Hamline University, which is in Minnesota, and I'M NOT SURE BUT I THINK IT'S COLD UP THERE HURP DURP MCGUIRK. (Yup, everyone she tells feels compelled to let her know that it gets cold in Minnesota. As if she didn't just graduate college. As if she's not pursuing a Masters of Fine Arts. As if no one knows anything else about that state. Granted, all I knew was that it has a huge mall, tons of lakes, twin cities, and relatively relaxed cannabis laws.)

But I'm still going insane. I completely bombed Friday night. No, not homemade-explosives-at-a-marathon bomb, I mean I bombed on the Comedy Walk. I did much better on Saturday, albeit for a much smaller audience, but I essentially used the exact same delivery with the exact same jokes and achieved a much more positive result. I suppose I can conclude that a great deal of my insanity is probably caused by my insatiable desire to please people, even if I simultaneously want to eradicate their existence from the fabric of reality.

Seriously, some people just aren't satisfied by anything, and occasionally they travel en masse. The last I'll say about it is that my coworkers and I have noticed a trend: people who pay via groupon (or any other discount/coupon service) tend to suck a lot more than other customers. It's not exact, and there are exceptions to every rule (should we decide this is even a rule), but it seems like maybe seventy percent of groupon customers show up with the object of expressing disapproval with any given service rendered.

I'm more prone to screaming and lashing out. I bite my hands and my fingers to calm myself down. I'd bite my tongue, but I need it to eat and drink (ALL THE BEERS). The Union (my favorite soccer/football team stateside, for those who aren't subjected to my obnoxious Facebook posts) have been basking in mediocrity. The manager, John Hackworth, seems content with starting lineups that lack fluidity and basic abilities. Fucking thing sucks.

Thursday, April 18, 2013


It's really tempting for me to say something like "the only acceptable use for a gun purchased at a gun show is to shoot a senator," but that's hyperbolic. (I'm not Sarah Palin, so I'm actually held accountable for the stupid shit that I say.) Saying that is also more likely to get me in legal trouble than purchasing a gun at said gun show, because the guaranteed votes of a bunch of insecure twats + SWEET LOBBYING MONEY is way more important than anything that makes any amount of sense whatsoever.

But God Bless America, the land of the free (so long as you are straight, white, and affluent) and home of the brave (so long as you're packing heat and making kids down the street fight your wars for you).  

Even gun owners, exasperated and stereotyped as they are at this point, seem to be mostly in favor of background checks and closing the "gun show loophole." Hell, the majority of the SENATE voted in favor of the Toomey-Manchin bill, just not enough of the Senate, because we live in a Republic or something like it.

I should probably reiterate that violence is not the answer, but it's really hard to maintain that belief when your  social/political opposition is essentially saying "Yes, violence is the answer, AND it's what the founding fathers wanted." I'm also a slave to irony. I don't believe in God, but I'm not opposed to calling irony a deity. So, of COURSE I'm tickled by the thought of mowing down those Toomey-Manchin "No" voters with an AR-15.

I've become so bitter and desensitized to tragedy, that at this point I think such an awful and ghastly thing would be pretty fucking funny.

I won't do it. I will not buy a gun at a gun show for the express purpose of killing a bunch of senators. I won't even advocate that anyone else does it. Please, don't do it.

But the thought fills me with joy and confusion.

Monday, April 15, 2013


Technically, I still have the flu. I probably shouldn't be at work, but then again, I probably shouldn't be typing a blog post at work either. Maybe I should flip that...I shouldn't be typing a blog post at work, but for fuck's sake, I have the flu and shouldn't even be at work anyway, so keep calm and carry on! That's better. You feel more sympathy for me that way, right?

In all seriousness, and I'm saying this as a white twenty-three-year-old male in America (with health insurance), getting the flu isn't that bad. Sure, when my fever picks up, I truly feel as if I could die at any minute. When I cough, I consider calling a local priest, because there is no mistaking the sensation of a demon trying to escape my chest through my nasal cavity.

I had to miss an entire weekend's worth of Comedy Walking and beer gear selling, and I've had to attempt to stay on top of my schoolwork. But as the dust and the phlegm seem to settle, I have to admit it was nice taking a little bit of a breather...even if I could barely breathe.

No one told me that it got really hot outside while I was trapped inside. Like, instantly-sweating-upon-leaving-the-apartment hot. Thanks a lot for taking away spring, climate change. The last thing a guy with the flu needs, after finally deciding to go back to work, is to be dehydrated. It's a good thing I work next to a bar. Or maybe it's a worse thing that I work next to a bar, a bar stocked with over 150 imported bottles of delicious dehydration. Well, shit. Now I'm thirsty.

Is it sad that I feel healthier because I've gone so long without drinking? Like, yeah, okay, I have a virus, but my liver must be doing better than ever! But maybe I'm just one of those really optimistic, glass-is-half-full, people you hear about so often and yet never seem to encounter in person. But I can't wait to start drinking again!

Anyway, you should probably come see me on the Comedy Walk this weekend.