Monday, June 9, 2014

The United States of Alcohol

I once thought ours was a nation of alcoholics. Not so. Sure, we may have plenty of individuals who are addicted to alcohol. They have a "drinking" problem. Fine. But we, as a nation, do not love alcohol nearly as much as we claim to.

I won't say where, by day, I'm employed. All that is relevant is that I give people free alcohol. Free. Fucking. Alcohol. It sounds like heaven on Earth, right?

 I'm also responsible for cleaning up the glasses from which such generous libations are consumed. You would be both shocked and appalled if you saw how many glasses still had liquor in them.

I know, it's the middle of the day, and c'mon, we're all getting older. BUT IT IS FREE ALCOHOL. On top of that, it's vodka. It's insanely easy to drink. If you can't at least grin and bear it, you simply don't like alcohol. Stop pretending like you do just so you can fit in. No one likes a teetotaler, but it's not a dichotomy between "drinker" and "anti-drinker." Just don't take the sample if you don't like alcohol. It's way less offensive to me.

Here's a fun test:
Do you claim to love beer? Yes? What's your favorite? Does its name end in 'light'? Congratulations, you're a liar!

There is NOTHING wrong with liking light beer. There is everything wrong with claiming to love a certain type of alcohol, but only ever imbibing in the most homeopathic version of it available. Stop it!

To sum it all up, my favorite Australian comedian Jim Jefferies has a great bit about American drinking.

Also, here is a list of BeerAdvocate's top 250 beers. Have you ever tried any on the list?

Chime in on the comments below. What's your preferred poison? Do you know someone who pretends to like drinking, but really only likes being an obnoxious intoxicated dick? Are you an alcoholic? What's your favorite beer? What's your favorite cocktail? I don't do this just for the page views, I want a dialectic, people!


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