Monday, September 15, 2014

Coffee and Havoc

Disclaimer: This is not a rant against coffee snobs. I like snobs. Yes, they can be annoying. We can all be very annoying.

I am a little grossed out by the fetishization of coffee and its contrived association with comfort. What I’m referring to is any time you hear or read “curl up with a book and a cup of coffee.” And maybe I hear/read this more than others, because I do drink coffee and read books, sometimes even at the same time (but I prefer reading and drinking hard alcohol). Maybe it’s not cliche.

So, sure, I drink coffee when I read. However, “curling up” makes drinking coffee and reading at the same time improbable for me. I have three options, and I may only select two. Even if not for the immediate physical difficulties, it’s impractical. When I drink coffee, which I suppose is mostly at home and in the mornings, I have to shit. Even if I already took a shit, apparently my caffeine addiction is such that if I don’t have coffee, my colon forgets there is more shit to be shat.

And if I don’t have coffee, I’ll forget where I put my car keys, and my wallet, and my time. Mind you, I only drink two (extra large) cups of coffee (with a shot of espresso in each) every single morning (and maybe more in the afternoon if I’m off from work ((or, fuck it, even if I’m at work)) that day).

Comfort? Screw comfort. I need coffee to live like a human being. Being a human is not comfortable.

And that’s what the Scotch is for.

And everything else.

Forever and ever.

Amen.

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