Wednesday, September 2, 2015

I Assembled a Mostly Random List of Cities

10. Ocean City, NJ - According to Ocean City, Ocean City is "America's Greatest Family Resort." For a dry island, OCNJ has great food. Try the pizza. Seriously, just go anywhere and try the pizza. Even if they don't make pizza, the people wherever you happen to be are probably eating pizza, and you should just take some of theirs. They weren't going to eat all of it anyway. Plus, they're probably wusses who won't eat the crust. Show them how manly you are by eating the god damned crust.

Good pizza is a plus, but like most places that have good pizza, Ocean City loses points for being in New Jersey.

9. Gilbert, AZ - Gilbert is the kind of town where everybody knows your name, and your social security number, and probably some of your bank account information as well. They have a Sears store that, according to Google, has 2.8 stars based on customer reviews. That's almost 3!

8. Delaware - Okay, I realize Delaware isn't technically a city. It's the first state in our wonderful union. SO CUTE! If you take everything Delaware has to offer and combine it for what it's worth, you basically have a city. If you're not from a real state that is located near Delaware, you may be unaware that Delaware is home of tax free shopping. Or maybe you were aware, and then you forgot that they don't have a sales tax, in which case you've now been reminded.

7. East Earl, PA - All I know about East Earl is that it is home of Shady Maple Smorgasbord. Shady Maple is basically a giant, clean buffet that doesn't suck one bit. The food is quite good, the variety is mesmerizing, and the gift shop underneath the entire restaurant is as charming as it is creepy (and cavernous). If you go early enough for breakfast, you may very well have the privilege of dining with Amish people. You'll hear them speaking their native tongue, German, and wonder vainly if they're talking about you. Maybe if you weren't such a narcissistic prick, you wouldn't be eating alone at a smorgasbord at 6 am.

6. Cleveland, OH - When the beloved Browns are playing, Cleveland is practically a ghost town. When the Browns are not playing, Cleveland still seems pretty empty. What is going on here? Is this entire city sustained by the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame? Surely that can't be true. This city earns points for mystique alone.

5. Tampa, FL - Everything you've ever heard about Tampa is true. Probably. I guess it really depends on what you've heard. For example, if you heard that it snows ten inches there every year, that wouldn't be true. Actually, I'm not going to give you any suggestions of things that could possibly be true about Tampa, because it might be incriminating. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what happens in Tampa you carry with you like a curse. I will confirm that the writing program at the University of Tampa is stellar.

4. Atlanta, GA - Coca Cola, CNN, MLK, David Cross. You'd think this city were amazing if you'd never actually been there. Maybe you should keep it that way, you idealistic dreamer type, you. Atlanta is the "Empire City of the South," because "underwhelming southern caricature of New York" doesn't sound nearly as cool.

3. Niagara Falls, NY - Most of what you've been told your entire life is a lie. There is no god. The Canadian side is better.

2. Richmond, VA - The beltway around Richmond is huge. You can avoid the entire city very easily. There are Wawa gas stations in this part of Virginia, making it the best part of Virginia by far.

1. St. Augustine, FL - St. Augustine gets a lot of points for being on a lot of lists. The city will soon be celebrating its 450th Anniversary, which will honor the area's Timucuan heritage with a variety of musical performances, native foods, rituals, and an official apology to the native people from the visiting king and queen of Spain!*

*Apparently none of this is true, except for the part about musical performances. Pity.

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