Saturday, January 23, 2016

East Oregon Occupation Draws to a Close

HARNEY COUNTY, OR - The standoff between the Malheur Wildlife Refuge occupiers and federal officials came to an end on its 22nd day.

Citing a radical change of heart, Ammon Bundy and his armed supporters put down their weapons. The end of their occupation, however, was not entirely peaceful.

“Well, what happened was we realized that we were mostly in the wrong. See, mandatory minimum sentencing is a huge problem. That much we still believe. But we now understand that the complexities of the issues extend far beyond an oversimplified big vs. small government dichotomy,” said Bundy.

“We really need to turn our attention to getting money out of politics, and making corporations pay their fair share of taxes. It’d be a lot easier for us to focus on these issues if we’d stayed in our home state and gave this refuge back to the people who we’ve been pretending to speak for,” he continued.

At 11 a.m. local time, members of the militia lined up in front of the refuge building, set their weapons down, linked arms, and sang an a cappella rendition of “What’s Up?” by 4 Non Blondes. Before even making it to the second chorus, the group was besieged by riot police firing tear gas canisters and rubber bullets. Several militia members were beaten with batons before being cuffed and arrested.

Reports suggest that Ammon’s brother Ryan could be heard repeatedly shouting “black lives matter!” as he was forced into the back of a police cruiser.

In an attempt to justify the violent tactics, officials alleged that as soon as the Bundy group began harmonizing on the second verse of “What’s Up?” the field agents and officers involved feared for their lives.

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