Speaking of coffee, do you feel your tummy a-rumblin? What are the odds that you are out and about, prowling St. George Street, or tripping over the bricks of Aviles, far from your hotel, and you have to take a massive dump? Did the odor of the horse manure seduce your colon into surrender? Is that Pizzalley's cardboard they call pizza not settling well in your otherwise iron kettle of a bread basket?
Fret not, aging adventurer. I have, after exhaustive research, concluded that the following locations are the best places to drop the unwanted kids off at the pool.
Bear in mind, I am a man. I am unsure of the status of the women's equivalents in cases where the restrooms are segregated, as this is Florida, and Florida is part of the South (despite just how much the South doesn't even want to claim Florida, and these very same people claim Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas...the god damn South), so I cannot go inside of women's restrooms for research.
1. Flagler College, Ponce de Leon Hall
Before you even make it to the toilet, you're treated to a stunning view of both the courtyard and the rotunda of what was once the luxurious Ponce de Leon Hotel. But you can appreciate the architectural artistry later, because, Jesus fucking Christ, you're going grey over here just trying not to blast your own briefs.
Henry Flagler, the railroad tycoon who essentially birthed the tourism industry in Florida, was probably psychotic. You can empathize with this condition as you try to avoid birthing a food baby all over the rotunda floor. His psychosis and wealth lends itself to a cavernous men's room that I've never seen crowded, as well as completely private stalls, and, of course, fun asymmetric patterns tiled into the floor. It's always clean, and it's historic. You're literally pooping into history. What a fun way to interact with the Nation's Oldest Continuously Occupied European Settlement.
2. Casa Monica Lobby
This hotel, unlike the last hotel, is still a hotel, and as it was built to compete with (and totally fuck with) Henry Flagler and his two hotels, it's bourgeois. In order to gain access to the restroom facilities at this hotel, you need to walk in with the confidence of a hotel guest. You need not appear affluent, just don't be covered in mud or talking into a baseball hat or anything noticeably bizarre like that.
Most of the qualities that make Ponce Hall appealing are present here. You have privacy, cleanliness, and aesthetic loveliness, but of a more symmetrical variety. Once upon a time they had cotton towels as opposed to the paper kind. Perhaps one day they will again. St. Auggie is mysterious like that.
3. Stogie's Cigar Bar
Do you have trouble "going" in public? The Stogie's bathrooms offer the cozy confinement of an airplane water closet, with the added encouragement of a bunch of ghosts that haunt the building. They'll scare the shit out of you. Don't believe in ghosts? Surely the second-hand nicotine will brine those bowels into tenderness. Additionally, no one will smell the abomination you've left behind.
If you go at night, you have the added privacy of a loud, jazzy, funky live band playing inside on the first floor. In fact, you should stay a while. Grab a brew and chat with some locals by the fire pit. Tell them about the fun you've had shitting all over their little city.
4. Mission of Nombre de Dios
Perchance you're a little pooped out from all this crap. Did you have a too much fun watching football at Mardi Gras? Head south on San Marco Avenue. You've already left the bar and you've definitely already broken the seal. But it's too late to turn back. That would be rude. Fortunately there are sprawling acres of trees and green grass for you to take a leak on.
During certain times of year (Easter? Maybe?), the Mission park grounds are covered with tiny crosses. These are meant to symbolize the loss of fetal life to abortion in America. They are not meant to symbolize the unexpected, brutal, or totally tragic deaths of any actual people, as those people get actual gravestones. See how many tiny crosses you can soak after sucking down all those cocktails and light beers.
You probably shouldn't actually poop here. There is not a lot of privacy.
5. Any Local Rant and Rave or Business Review Group on Facebook
I'm not going to encourage you to troll the St. Augustine Business Rant and Rave group on Facebook (or any similar group). What I merely suggest is that you join these groups to witness the massive shits people give about any petty grievance they can conjure. You'll see shit along the lines of, "We eat at the 312 Applebee's two meals out of four, five nights a week, but never again. Not after last night. They got my shitty order A LITTLE BIT WRONG! RANT!"
Or, if you absolutely must shit all over poor service or a lack of professionalism, it's safe to just let it all go in the confines of these groups.
|Ponce Hall Rear|
Research on the best places to shit in Portland, Oregon has yet to conclude.
Yo. Where's the best place to shit in America? Leave me a hot, steaming comment below.