Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Give Terrorists More Fun Weapons

You'd think preventing terrorists from more easily accessing assault weapons would make them more creative in their terrorism. Alas! Same shit, different year. Cars, knives, handguns, blah! Boring.

Maybe we, as the United States, should arm them (yes, arm the terrorists) in such a manner that actually inspires some fucking artistry. Sure, more people would probably die, but it's not like they're not all killing each other anyway (am I right, folks who justify genocide of indigenous peoples?).

After all, arming terrorists is an American tradition. Hating and inflicting violence on strangers is as British as fish n' chips. And you know what? At most, three people died at Westminster today (as a result of the terrorism. [I'm not sure what the stats are throughout the rest of London, because, like, who gives a flying fuck? Right?]). How are we supposed to whip up a fun and frothy refugee-employing Starbucks latte of xenophobic fear if the death tolls are so low?

So I say let them go bananas. Hell, arm them with bananas. Not just individual slippery Mario Kart-style banana peels, but literally tons (tonnes? [we're all British today]) of bananas. Can you imagine being crushed to death by bananas? That shit would truly be b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

You may think that this is a little crass, or possibly an overreaction. But Europe is already done for anyway (at least according to people who've accidentally permanently lodged their heads up their asses in the search for their one true source of identity: genitals). Why not allow mother Europe to go out with a bang, as opposed to a very cuck-like whimper? You wouldn't want to be a cuck. Right, faggot? 

So there's gotta be a cheat code someone somewhere can use that will unlock the CIA's secret terrorist weapon stash.

Commies!

Europeans are commies!

That should do the trick!

Go get 'em, CIA.

Credit: IGN/Nintendo

Maybe we *should* give them Mario Kart weapons!